It's your Dad. I know everything you read in this book is written by your mother, but I wanted to write down my feelings about what has gone on during the past month of your life before they escape me. I have learned so much from you. I believe in miracles because of you. You were in the hospital for over 3 weeks. One day you were perfectly healthy, and less than 30 hours later, you were being brought back from deaths door. You had to be revived twice before the doctors could put you on life support. I was wrecked. Your Mom and I were devestated. As your father and provider, to be able to do nothing for you was pure hell. All I could do was pray. At first I prayed that you would be healed. I prayed that you would be able to wake up and be the boy that just a few days earlier was starting to smile and stare into my eyes. Those days felt like eternity. After turning to the scriptures, I learned to pray for the will of the Lord to be done. We never stopped praying for a miracle, but we knew the Lord wouldn't do what we as parents wanted. We realized it was what the Lord had in store for you that would eventually happen. That brought peace to my heart. I knew that the Heavenly Father was in charge, and he had a plan for you. I just had to learn to accept it.
You were on life support for 6 days. During those days, my mind would wander into some very dark places. I want you to know that I very quickly turned to our Father in Heaven, and he gave us all the comfort we needed to stand by your side. Your Mom and I, and both your Grandmas and Grandpas were constantly by your side. You were never alone. Ever. At times I felt the presence of Angels standing by your side, and couldnt help but feel the presence of your Great Grandma Alder. I know she was there with you. After a few days on life support, we started hearing of all of the people who were praying for you to get better. Thousands and thousands of people were praying. For you. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father heard those prayers, and he listened.
Over the next week, we were so nervous. When they took the ventilator out of your mouth, you started to breath. We were so excited. But then, you struggled. We had to watch you like a hawk, never taking our eyes off of you for fear that you would stop breathing. You were hooked up to monitors that would tell us when you were struggling for breath. We spent 8 days watching you, constantly feeding you oxygen so that your brain wouldn't be without it. It was like you were standing on the edge of a cliff, and I constantly felt like you were going to fall of and get hurt. I hope I never feel those feelings again, as long as I live.
One night, your Mom and I were trying to get some sleep at a nearby apartment, and your Grandma Zollinger was standing watch by your bedside. You stopped breathing. The nurse had to grind her nuckels into your chest in order to get you to start breathing again. That was at 4:30 in the morning. We were called and told to get back to the room as fast as possible. Your Mom and I ran as fast as we could, not knowing what we would find when we got there. We were so relieved to see that you were alive, but horrified when we were told of whathad happened. You did it three more times that morning. This was the lowest time in my life. After watching you fight so hard to two weeks, to see you stop breathing and turn blue was more than I could bear. You were rushed back up to the PICU, where the Doctor took you right out of your Moms hands to administer oxygen to you. They didnt know what to do. I felt helpless, and felt like this could be the end of your short life. I denied the urge to give you a priesthood blessing, for fear of what I might be directed to say. The urge got stronger and stronger, until I could no longer deny it. I layed my hands on your little head, and blessed you with comfort. I also told you it was ok of you wanted to stop fighting, but we really wanted you in our family. The choice was yours. After I finished, I waited. I waited and waited, expecting this to be the end. But as the hours passed, things started happening. The doctors determined the reasoning behind your breathing problems, and increased your medication. After a day lying motionless on the bed, you were able to lay in your mothers arms. You opened your eyes. You looked at your mom and you smiled. You even laughed. I knew at that moment you made your decision. You wanted to be with us, and we were so happy. From that point until this very minute, it has been all positive. The doctors and nurses constantly were impressed with your progress, knowing where you had been just a few weeks before. The word miracle was spoken numerous times.
We dont know what the future holds for you. At this moment, there is still a lot to figure out. The list of problems is long, but we have hope. You have proven to me in your short life to never give up. To lean on your family when you dont know what else to do. They will always be there for you. God Lives. He answers prayers. He is a God of love. He is in charge.
You must know how much I love you. I will always protect you. I will stand by you as long as you need me, and I will teach you everything I can. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and for the Plan of Salvation. I am greatful for the knowledge that we will be a family forever, not just during this short time on earth. You have so many people who love you, but I can't imagine anyone who loves you more than your mother and I. You have taught me more in your short life than I could have ever imagined. I hope you can continue to teach me, for all of my years on earth. I love you my son.
Sunday, June 13, 2010