Note to Self

Three years ago on this date, I thought my life was over. Life had lost it's meaning, and therefore had no purpose. The despair, pain, and anguish that consumed my heart felt like it had settled into my chest permanently. I was certain that I was sentenced to a life of misery--enduring each day merely so that it could be crossed off the books forever. I didn't know at the time whether or not my infant son would survive his battle with bacterial meningitis, but I knew that his outcome was grim and that our course had been changed forever by his injuries, and I felt inadequate to carry such a heavy burden that I was sure would be my fate. My only hope came from my knowledge of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the promise that one day, maybe not in this life, but someday, I could feel happiness again. Those were very dark, very difficult days. I wish I knew then how much my heart could change in only three-years' time. Oh how I wish I could tell my three-years-ago self what I know now!

I would tell my three-years-ago self that life will be good again. Life will change, and it may not ever be the same, but it will still be a good life. A really good life. I would tell my three-year-ago self that the sick, fragile little babe that I held in my arms, rocking and singing primary songs, would soon be a healthy, strong, and happy little boy...who still loves it when his mom holds him in her arms and sings him primary songs. Ben is possibly the happiest little boy I have ever known. His smile is priceless and his laugh can change the world, my world anyways. Ben is a gift; it is a priviledge to have such a strong, valiant spirit in our family. I wish I could give my three-year-ago self a hug and a promise that things will work out. Everything will be ok. There will be lows, but the highs will far outweigh the lows. If only my three-year-ago self could see the miracles that would take place in our home, the love that would deepen within our family, and the relationship that we would develop with the Lord. Above all else, I would remind my three-year-ago self to hold tight to that tiny particle of faith, put all my trust in the Lord, and pray to Him constantly for guidance. I know now, that my Heavenly Father has never left me. He carried me through those dark days, knowing that those trials and lessons would prepare me for something better. God is good! Life is good!

I love this little boy with my whole soul. I am so proud of how far he has come and I look forward to walking with him, holding his hand, wherever the next three years--and beyond--may take us.