Beautiful Heartbreak

Hillary Weeks' "Beautiful Heartbreak" captures perfectly the mix of emotion that I feel while reflecting on the anniversary date of Ben's illness two years ago:

I had it all mapped out in front of me,

Knew just where I wanted to go;

But life decided to change my plans,

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,

So I searched for a way around;

Brokenhearted a started climbin',

And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,

All the pain I went through;

Was the price that I paid to see this view;

And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,

And the faith that I find;

Through the bittersweet tears,

And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray He'd take it all away,

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,

I thought about turning around;

But heaven has shown me miracles,

I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,

Cause there's one thing that I know;

He picks up the peices,

Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,

All the pain I went through;

Was the price that I paid to see this view;

And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,

And the faith that I find,

Through the bittersweet tears

And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray He would take it all away,

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Therapuetically soaking in a bubble bath on Sunday night, the eve of the anniversary date that changed the life of my son and my family, reviewing the events of that horrific day two years ago, the pain of those events felt as fresh as ever....

.........I could hear the pathetic, weak little moan that he made as he slept, fevered and fitful on my chest the morning he became sick...I relived the tormenting guilt of the decision ignorantly made to take him to the peditrician rather than run him directly to the hospital--the children's hospital...I felt the fear and panic rise in my heart remembering his struggle to breathe, witnessing his first seizure, and the helplessness of it being able to offer no comfort...laying with him in his hospital crib, holding his hands and singing him primary songs, sobbing, praying to dear God to save my child...the horror of watching his very life slip away, turning dark dray, in the back of an ambulance...the confusion of doctors rushing to revive him........

.........and then, in my moment of deepest pain and despair, I remembered the hand that reached down, and pulled me up....that gave me strength... How I prayed for Him to take it all away! How hard I tried to find another way! I battled within, afraid to submit my will to the Lord....what perfect and complete peace I found when I was able to gather my faith, humble myself before the Lord, and lay my burden at his feet......

......His plan was beautiful! Not painless, not easy. But....beautiful. Climbing my mountain (and I'm not to the top yet), has been tiring, draining, painful at times. I've tried to turn back; He has given me strength to keep climbing. The view is extraordinary. Unable to attain this perspective from any other vantage point. Worth every step of the climb.

On a day that conjures up so many painful memories, I celebrate the beautiful journey that we've made and the breaktaking view from the mountain we've climbed.